Have you reached your full potential in your current situation? While my focus is typically on women’s career success, a personal life review (particularly at this time of year) also merits some healthy introspection. We were born with an unlimited capacity to think, create, achieve and love. Through the innumerable situations we experience, we either ‘grow and go’ or ‘slip and slide’. The difference in our reaction is locked within our thinking patterns and self-belief, which combine to form limiting behaviors that either propel us forward or keep us grounded firmly in fear. A limiting behavior or belief can be like a broken record or set of tapes that play a continuous loop in our minds, typically in our subconscious. They are riddled with negativity. Sometimes we are vaguely aware of them, often they’ve been there for so long we just accept them as the norm. Let’s explore.
What are the top limiting behaviors? In my over 25 years experience in working with women in all levels of management, three limiting beliefs rise to the top again and again. They play out in the professional world, to be sure, but can also play a significant role in our personal lives.
1. Not enough self-love – This is the number one issue so many women face. It’s also the best-kept secret many women hide. You would be amazed at the number of powerful women I have coached over the years whose outward presence, confidence and communication style exude success. Yet, when we dig a little deeper, sometimes just beneath that seemingly solid shell, what lies beneath is a lack of self-love. The reasons are manifold; a childhood issue, an unresolved relationship, a past (perceived) unforgivable error, and the biggest culprit – the comparison game.
The common thread among each reason is also the most important yet challenging thing to accept; the past cannot be changed. A perfect upbringing is virtually nonexistent. Relationships and errors of the past are ancient history; most often only thought of in the prisons of our own mind. Granting forgiveness to someone that hurt you, or to yourself for a past error is one of the biggest gifts and favors you can give yourself. Doing so enables negative feelings to flow out and positive thoughts and the beginning to self-love to take root.
You are a masterpiece of your past; from the genes you received at birth and the formative years of learning to life experiences and choices, you are who you are. Small changes are possible, but for the most part what you see is what you get; both in the mirror and in your mind. My point? Stop the comparison game! Embrace who and what you are (the good and bad) and use it all to the best of your ability. You will never be the best ________________ or the worst ____________. Fill in the blanks for yourself. With almost 7.5 billion people on the planet and over 330 million in the US, this is an undeniable truth. Accepting yourself as who you are and were created to be is the beginning of self-love and one step away from self-limiting behaviors.
2. Not enough ‘other-love’ of other women – If we suffer from the comparison game (and I think it’s safe to say we’ve all afflicted at some point) it festers on the inside, but worse, it creates significant damage in its outward manifestation. Negative thoughts and energy don’t just sit in a vacuum. They flow outward and reach others whether in body language, written or verbal communication, or in the way we treat people. And no one is immune. Just as we have our own strengths and talents to use, the same is true for other women. However, if you play the comparison game, it is one of the biggest barriers to collaboration, creativity, achieving a mission and bonding.
When we busy ourselves not liking ‘her’ because she speaks up for what she wants, maybe a better approach is to appreciate the assertiveness skills that can be helpful in bringing a negotiation to a close. If you don’t like that ‘she’ is too bossy, try to appreciate that someone can lead others to get the job done. Ultimately, remember that those same women (and men) all have their own insecurities and self-doubt. This applies to women in all areas of our lives; business colleagues, relatives, neighbors, in volunteer situations, etc.
Instead, make a commitment to stop comparing, and replace those thoughts and feelings with acts and words of empowerment. You will be amazed at the difference in your own thinking and feeling, in the relationships you have with other women, and in their behavior. For example, when you publicly recognize someone for a job well done the positivity has a domino effect. Your positivity reflects well on yourself and feels good, the recognition is both motivating and affirming to the person receiving it, and others are motivated to both do well and emulate your behavior. Such positive outcomes won’t happen immediately or spontaneously, but over time the payout will create an environment where everyone feels more loved, accepted and able to reach their fullest potential. Ultimately, working harmoniously and practicing ‘other-love’ for women will dispel and help eliminate limiting beliefs and thinking.
3. Now, claim your power! – After clearing the way for positive thoughts for yourself and toward others by emptying out negativity and eliminating the comparison game, it’s time to claim your power! That’s right! Your power; it lies deep within you and was there from the moment your conception. Think about it – what a process to become a human being. That’s a lot of power. Learning to eat, talk, walk, run, think and other life skills; that all takes a lot of power. When we are young and full of imagination, we believe we can do and become anything. Yet, somewhere along the way, we begin to collect untruths, limiting beliefs and restrictive behaviors, which all combine to hold us back and restrain our power.
The good news is that the same power we were born with, tapped into as a young child and now call upon occasionally still resides within us. But, oh do we have our reasons for letting it lie dormant. Although we want to be successful in our career and other important areas of our lives, so many women hold back due to fear of success. At first glance, it’s a paradox. If we possess the power to achieve, what are we waiting for? Why hold back?
No one answer is the same or true for each woman, but I have discovered a common list:
- If I succeed at first, how will I continue, and will I have the strength to keep it up?
- What will others think of my success, and how will they treat me, especially if it means a promotion?
- What if I claim my power and fail at what I try?
- What if I make the wrong decision either in the short or long term?
- It won’t feel safe or secure, and I will be out of my comfort zone.
Fear of failure or use of personal power often leads people to ask for more information before they will decide to move forward. It makes people stuck. If you feel stuck, I would love to help you work out a plan of success to move forward. Please give me a call at (513) 561-4288 or connect with me via email at Kay@highheeledsuccess.com or so we can tap into your power together!
©Copyright 2016. Kay Fittes. All Rights Reserved.