Are you lacking confidence in aspects of your professional life? Does it seem impossible to imagine that you could ever have the confidence necessary to handle certain situations? If it seems everywhere you look, confident people dominate the landscape, and you are the exception, take heart. The truth is, babies are the most confident people on the planet, not adults. Although it seems counter intuitive, self-confidence is a natural state of being. It is the state of being completely comfortable with who and what you are, independent of what others think of you, or how you perceive them to think of you.
Think about it. Infants will ‘tell’ you exactly what they need and when they need it. No qualms about it. They cry when they are hungry, tired, bored or hurt, and they don’t think twice about it. As they grow, they will try with all their effort and might to reach an object, sit up, crawl, verbalize and engage with you. There is no hesitation in their actions, and they certainly don’t stop to think about how others are perceiving their efforts, or if another baby is doing it better. They move forward with confidence. Of course, babies receive a lot of positive reinforcement during these activities, which does help propel their progress forward.
However, when a baby becomes a toddler and begins to understand language and human response, they also learn ‘stop’ signals. A ‘stop’ signal is a communication that goes against the natural state of being. Such as, ‘No, don’t touch’; ‘do it this way, not that way’; or ‘that’s incorrect, try again.’ Of course, these directions are for safety and teaching, but they also interfere with the natural state of being confident. This natural state is one that drives us forward to act, almost without regard of who we are, and definitely without regard to what others think.
As we grow, we begin to realize the world around us, compare ourselves to others, and see the differences between our abilities versus others. Perhaps we try to be something or someone we are not, and seek the approval of others. This can sometimes result in self-doubt, self-criticism, and fear of failure. These are the two basic elements of lacking self-confidence; doubt and fear.
Now for the good news! It doesn’t have to be that way! Even if you have struggled with issues of confidence your entire life. You are capable of overcoming it, and stepping into a new way of thinking and being.
Conquering lack of self-confidence begins with realizing that it is not all encompassing. A common misconception of people with confidence issues is that they think that in order to be confident, it is necessary to go around feeling good about everything. Not true! Lack of self-confidence may exist in some areas of your life, but not in others. Think about the things you can do well from the simple to the complicated – putting together a nice outfit, cooking a great meal, organizing, writing, project management, being strategic or visionary, playing an instrument, socializing or speaking a foreign language. You may be very good at one or more of these things, but not in others. It doesn’t mean that you don’t possess the ability to be confident, it’s just that in certain areas, you don’t feel as competent as you either need to be, of feel you ought to be.
The simple acknowledgement of recognizing your weaknesses and accepting that you need to improve in that area is the cornerstone of self-confidence. With this acceptance, you give yourself the permission to step out of your comfort zone and make mistakes. And you will make mistakes – and, so what? It’s not the end of the world (unless you have a self-image that is obliterated by a mistake), it’s the beginning of gaining strength in that area by recognizing how you could do better the next time.
For example, say you lack confidence in the area of socializing in a large group setting. You go into a networking event, business meeting or social setting with a roomful of successful, bright or seemingly perfect people and break out into a cold sweat. Self-doubt, fear of saying something stupid, or not knowing what to say, just takes over.
First, accept it as both a weakness and challenge to improve upon. Take on the challenge by strategizing ways to conquer your fear. The best way to do this is to visualize an upcoming situation, and imagine yourself having a successful encounter. Pick three things and envision doing them successfully. The first may be as simple as telling yourself that not every person in the room has it all figured out. Second, think of conversation starters related to the event and imagine yourself engaging in a meaningful conversation. Play the entire scenario out in your mind from beginning to end envisioning yourself entering with confidence, having a nice chat with many people in the room, and looking and feeling confident for the duration. You will be surprised at how empowering the exercise can be, and how it will build faith in your abilities. In fact, the word ‘confidence’ simply means ‘with faith’, coming from the Latin words con; meaning ‘with’, and fide meaning ‘faith’. When you think about it, confidence is simply moving forward with faith in yourself that you will succeed, or do well in a situation.
The opposite of this behavior is over-thinking the situation as it approaches. If you spend time considering every possible horrible scenario or feeling that might occur during the event, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This type of thinking can lead to avoidance behavior, and make you skip the event, situation or activity all together. Replace your ‘what happens if’ thinking with ‘I wonder what will happen’ thinking, and it will empower to go forth with faith in yourself. Each time you try to overcome a situation where are fearful, you will build self-confidence by discovering that you can make progress in areas you never thought possible. The most important part is to always remember to keep your sense of humor. Even if something doesn’t go according to plan, try not to take yourself so seriously. Recognize where you could have done better, laugh about it, and plan to do a little better next time – because you can do it!
©Copyright 2015. Kay Fittes. All Rights Reserved.