Childhood experiences can affect us for a lifetime, whether for good or for bad.\u00a0 I share one such memory with you as it relates to this month\u2019s topic.\u00a0 I call it my Lemon Drop Story:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a lazy July afternoon when my grandmother and I strolled into Neibur\u2019s grocery store, in the tiny town of Cobden, Illinois, population 500.\u00a0 Time has forgotten Cobden and Neibur\u2019s; the store could have easily been a set for a movie set in 1904.\u00a0 It has wooden floors, baskets of fruit, burlap bags with potatoes and barrels of hard candy.\u00a0 To my 8-year-old eye, the most important barrel is the lemon drop barrel, I LOVE lemon drops.\u00a0 Tiny and shy, I stand close to my grandmother and eye the lemon drops. \u00a0I am just about ready to summon the courage to ask for some lemon drops, when Mrs. Neibur comments, \u201cHelen you are so lucky to have such a quiet and well-behaved granddaughter, she isn\u2019t like most of the children that come in here throwing a fit for candy!\u201d\u00a0 My grandmother replies, \u201cYes, Ethel, we are so fortunate, Kay never asks for anything<\/strong>.\u201d\u00a0 Those words were like a knife, a reminder that good little girls never ask for anything.\u00a0 I swallowed my request, as usual, and left the store with only visions of lemon drops.<\/p>\n That day is etched in my memory and behavior.\u00a0 It has taken me a lifetime to ask for what I want, and it is still<\/em> an ongoing battle.\u00a0 The good news is, deep-seated thoughts and behaviors can change!<\/p>\n In my experience coaching women, I have identified the top five reasons why women don\u2019t ask for what they want.\u00a0 Interestingly, the barriers that block women for asking for what they want are the same for women in traditional workplaces and women entrepreneurs.\u00a0 The number one culprit is thinking you shouldn\u2019t have<\/em> to ask for what they want because others should already know their wants and needs.\u00a0 This thinking is flawed for several reasons.<\/p>\n First and foremost: no one is a mind reader.\u00a0 You and you alone are responsible for communicating your wants and needs simply because you are the only one who knows.\u00a0 Even though this basic truth is so simple, I can\u2019t tell you how many times women raise it as the main reason they will not ask for a raise, promotion, or more time off.\u00a0 Second, your manager likely has a lot on their plate and many other employees in their organization.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t speak up, it is reasonable for them to assume you are good with the status quo.\u00a0 Lastly, if you allow others to decide what you want and need, you are yielding your power to control your career path to someone else other than you.<\/p>\n Fear of seeming too greedy also tops the list.\u00a0 The underlying issue with this feeling is not valuing your work contribution enough.\u00a0 If this fear plagues you, think about how much time, effort, talent and attention you pour into your work.\u00a0 Communicating your wants and needs to be fairly compensated or recognized for your competence is not greed.\u00a0 It is simply logical and reasonable.<\/p>\n Some women are concerned about appearing too needy if they ask for what they want.\u00a0 This fear is similar to feeling greedy, but centers around personal self-esteem versus competence.\u00a0 Your relationship history can play into this fear more than you may realize.\u00a0 Have significant others downplayed your desires as too needy or \u2018high-maintenance\u2019 in the past?\u00a0 Over time, such collective messages build up and can block out the truth; you have every right to ask for what you want and need.\u00a0 Notice I did not say you are \u2018entitled\u2019 to your every want and need, but asking for what you desire in and of itself is not needy.\u00a0 The key here is discretion.\u00a0 Repeatedly asking for unrealistic desires will definitely garner a reputation of being needy.\u00a0 If your request is fair and reasonable given what you do, or are willing to do, in return, then it is not needy.<\/p>\n Some women feel they should wait their turn for reward, recognition or favor.\u00a0 Perhaps because they came from a large family, are \u2018others\u2019 focused, or feel that the wants and needs of others are more important than their own.\u00a0 Newsflash: if you wait around in the workplace for your turn, you\u2019ll be sitting alone in the same cubicle for a very long time.\u00a0 Fulfilling your wants and needs is an independent function relative to the timing of when others\u2019 have theirs met.\u00a0 Being considerate of others is a courtesy issue, always putting the needs of others before your own is an issue of low self-worth.\u00a0 You are worthy of having your wants and needs met.\u00a0 Asking, not waiting, is the first step.<\/p>\n A less common, but also not rare barrier some women encounter is that they only speak when spoken to.\u00a0 The reasons for this can be complex and varied, but overcoming this hurdle is more important than identifying why it\u2019s a problem.\u00a0 You are not a child of the 50\u2019s!\u00a0 Rather, you are a grown, capable woman in a career or position with responsibilities who delivers outcomes for your company.\u00a0 Whether this is in an entry, mid- or upper-level job is irrelevant.\u00a0 Speaking up and advocating for yourself is a core competency that any employee must possess for their own protection and advancement in the workplace.<\/p>\n You may have identified with one or more of these hurdles, and feel they are legitimate reasons for not asking for what you want.\u00a0 The reality is that asking for what you want and engaging in self-advocacy actually garners respect.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, respect.\u00a0 When you speak up for yourself, you demonstrate confidence to others and send a message that your contributions are worthy.\u00a0 You may ask, \u2018But Kay, how do I do that?\u2019\u00a0 The answer is to focus on the outcome rather than the process.<\/p>\n Focus on the benefit, not just to you, but to the person you are asking.\u00a0 Just like any relationship, those in the workplace, or with a client, are give and take.\u00a0 Before you ask for what you want, consider what benefit the person in a position of power, or your customer, will receive from your request.\u00a0 For example, your promotion may take a significant amount of work off her plate.\u00a0 Additional time off may enable you to recharge your batteries or restructure your life a bit to enable a more efficient work process.\u00a0 With a raise request or fee increase, you could offer to take on additional responsibilities.\u00a0 Each scenario provides something of significance to the person who has the power to grant your request.<\/p>\n How can you move past your own barrier, and into a state of mind that enables you to be strong in your communication and self-advocacy?\u00a0 I can help!\u00a0 Call me today to set up an appointment, and we can work toward a solution together.<\/p>\n \u00a9Copyright 2016.\u00a0 Kay Fittes.\u00a0 All Rights Reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Childhood experiences can affect us for a lifetime, whether for good or for bad.\u00a0 I share one such memory with you as it relates to this month\u2019s topic.\u00a0 I call it my Lemon Drop Story: It\u2019s a lazy July afternoon when my grandmother and I strolled into Neibur\u2019s grocery store, in the tiny town 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