{"id":152,"date":"2015-05-28T19:50:24","date_gmt":"2015-05-28T23:50:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/?p=152"},"modified":"2018-04-17T14:42:27","modified_gmt":"2018-04-17T18:42:27","slug":"relationships-with-women-in-the-workplace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/?p=152","title":{"rendered":"Relationships with Women in the Workplace"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What was your relationship like with your mother when you were growing up?\u00a0 I bet a flood of memories just came to you.\u00a0 Whether good, bad, somewhere in between, or perhaps absent, many women forge relationships with other women based on the dominant female relationship in their formative years.\u00a0 The struggle to develop a full sense of self and separateness from \u201cmother\u201d stays with us for a long time, extending into other relationships.<sup>1<\/sup>\u00a0 Friendships, romantic relationships and professional relationships are all affected by this phenomenon, without even realizing it.\u00a0 The top three struggles between women in the workplace revolve around blame, battles and boundaries.\u00a0 These struggles happen either between peers, or in the subordinate\/manager relationship, and are as complex as they are varied.\u00a0 Let\u2019s explore.<\/p>\n<p>Women who struggle in relationships with their female colleagues tend to view other women through one of two lenses:\u00a0 as a competitor, or as someone to be questioned and counseled.\u00a0 The competitor lens is common between women who work at the same managerial level, or have similar responsibilities.\u00a0 They either connect with the other woman and become allies, or view the woman as a threat or competitor.\u00a0 If the colleague is seen as a competitor, a woman will often feel threatened about the security of her own position, or her performance.\u00a0 The variety of perceived threats are many, but the most common fears women express are:\u00a0 being undermined, criticized, or feeling inadequate or ineffective.\u00a0 These fears are borne out of the competition associated with the lack of high-level positions.\u00a0 Many women vying for the same open spot often creates rivalries between competitors.\u00a0 These struggles can result in the blame game.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Blame<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>More commonly referred to as criticism, the blame game can be the equivalent of grade school bullying.\u00a0 When women gang up on a co-worker and either gossip about them, or outright criticize them, the results can be devastating.\u00a0 Even to the point of having a solid employee quit.\u00a0 Often the catalyst for criticism is jealousy or fear toward the woman receiving it, because she is actually doing a superior job.\u00a0 Conversely, it can be that she is doing a poor job and getting away with it.\u00a0 Some workplaces even have an office sniper.\u00a0 This is a person who makes snide remarks and leaves just before the recipient has a chance to respond or engage.\u00a0 Many consider this \u2018hit and run\u2019 behavior, and it has the same effects.\u00a0 It damages without recourse \u2013 but it doesn\u2019t have to be that way.<\/p>\n<p>The most productive response I have seen to a culture of criticism over the years is to create an environment of credit and praise.\u00a0 Beginning with yourself, whether you are in a co-worker environment, or manage a team, be the change you\u2019d like to see.\u00a0 Here are just a few ideas that have produced dramatic results:<\/p>\n<p>For Managers:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Develop a \u201cWall of Fame\u201d where people are given credit and praise for a job well done.<\/li>\n<li>Conduct strength development training, either in group settings or one-on-one.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>For Co-Workers:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Initiate peer crediting.\u00a0 Openly praise another person\u2019s work in a meeting, or in front of a sniper or office bully.<\/li>\n<li>Manage self-talk.\u00a0 Be good to yourself!\u00a0 If you are the object of criticism, (sometimes self-criticism is a huge issue), don\u2019t join in on the conversation.\u00a0 Remind yourself of your strengths and embrace them.<\/li>\n<li>Likewise if someone is putting themselves down, share your positive observations about their work.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Battles and Conflict<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Conflicts, and less frequently battles, will exist in any working relationship at some point.\u00a0 It\u2019s inevitable, and can even be a good thing because the resolution can bring about stronger relationships, and excellent problem solving opportunities.\u00a0 Conflict happens between peers, and with managers and their direct reports.\u00a0 Common catalysts to conflict include:\u00a0 gossip, burnout, triangular communication, and viewing the manager as \u201cMom\u201d.\u00a0 Key symptoms or reactions to conflict can include eruptions, physical symptoms, burnout and in some cases tears.\u00a0 If a coworker or direct report is exhibiting these behaviors, do not make the mistake of assuming the cause.\u00a0 It is common to write off such behaviors as maturity issues or personal problems.\u00a0 Instead, take a step back and assess.\u00a0 Take some time with the employee to understand her situation.\u00a0 If you learn that a conflict indeed exists, taking swift steps to resolve it is essential.\u00a0 The first step in resolving the situation is to acknowledge the issue or conflict, and to focus on the issue, and not the personality of the individual.\u00a0 Then, resolve the conflict:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Set the ground rules for the resolution<\/strong> &#8211; Select a neutral, third party mediator, and have that person explain the rules of engagement.\u00a0 Typical examples include stating the desired outcome at the meeting onset, not interrupting, not judging or over reacting, and acknowledging the other person\u2019s feelings and concerns.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Create a forum for conflict management<\/strong> \u2013 Once the ground rules have been established, select a proper spot for the discussion, and provide details of how the process will work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Creative solutions<\/strong> \u2013 Often a discussion session or series of sessions, perhaps with HR involved, can resolve a conflict.\u00a0 Sometimes it takes a little creativity. Consider the following options some of my clients have implemented: changing seating arrangements or offices; role reversals (where two people swap jobs or responsibilities); scattered work schedules where the two parties work at different times or from home; or force an agreement.<\/p>\n<p>Some conflicts cannot be completely resolved, but can be mitigated through a forced agreement.\u00a0 If the two parties cannot come to a resolution, you can suggest that they agree to disagree.\u00a0 This approach should accompany the suggestion that focusing on the work at hand rather than the other person is the priority.\u00a0 If one party is the clear offender, the resolution may be eventual termination after proper cause is established with the necessary documentation.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Boundaries<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Boundary issues typically occur between a manager and someone on their team.\u00a0 A common dilemma is when a subordinate that questions authority, manager decisions and actions, or worse, is a chronic advice giver.\u00a0 This often occurs when a subordinate is older than their manager, but not always.\u00a0 Boundary issues can even go so far as the direct report trying to usurp managerial power, and attempt to create a role reversal.\u00a0 Actions surrounding boundary issues are a product of the desire to keep the playing field flat by women who want to create a \u201cwe\u2019re all in this together\u201d atmosphere.\u00a0 Establishing clear boundaries from the beginning of taking on a managerial role, or after a boundary \u2018dispute\u2019 is essential.\u00a0 Calling together your team, or creating a survey to identify staff wants and needs is a great first step.<\/p>\n<p>In doing so, you establish several things:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>An atmosphere of trust<\/li>\n<li>A willingness to understand<\/li>\n<li>The opportunity to establish standards<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When your team feels you are interested in and care about their input, it builds trust.\u00a0 Further, enabling your team to express their wants and needs helps them feel \u2018understood\u2019.\u00a0 Done correctly, this exercise can boost morale considerably.\u00a0 While some of the wants and needs may be unrealistic, collectively they will paint a picture of the underlying reasons boundaries are being tested.<\/p>\n<p>Once you assess their responses as a whole, you can then establish standards for boundaries.\u00a0 You may find there is a common theme in the responses.\u00a0 Some responses may give you pause, and the opportunity to self-examine if the issue hits home.\u00a0 If the main response pertains to the team rather than your management style or a policy you\u2019ve implemented (for example), the approach to establishing a standard can take a couple of different forms.\u00a0 It may be quite simple, with a clear fix that is easily identifiable.\u00a0 In this case, you can implement a standard to eliminate the boundary issue.<\/p>\n<p>Say, for example, a co-worker is reluctant about providing a due date or details of an assignment that is part of a bigger project.\u00a0 In her nebulous response, she projects superiority to the group members and comes off as being in charge.\u00a0 This response is a boundary issue because she is trying to be above the group, when in fact she is a member of the team.\u00a0 One solution could be to implement a timeline with clear expectations of weekly updates and solid due dates.\u00a0 The timeline would be team created and approved, and be the new standard.\u00a0 Whatever the case, the solution lies in digging in to find the issue, resolving it together as much as possible, and making the new standard, which resolves the conflict, known to all.<\/p>\n<p>On the other hand, the boundary issue may be more personal.\u00a0 You may have a subordinate that tends to challenge you in different ways, offers unsolicited advice, or even goes around you to circumvent your authority.\u00a0 Recently, a client shared that a team member had submitted a project update to a senior leader in her company without routing it to her first for review.\u00a0 The incident caused dissension between upper management and my client, and the need to establish a clear boundary with her subordinate.\u00a0 Yet, she was reluctant to address it.\u00a0 Worse yet, this was not the first time this behavior happened.\u00a0 However, my client realized she now had to address it in order to protect her own reputation and possibly her position.\u00a0 The issue was that this particular team member had a volatile personality and my client was has a calm management style.\u00a0 I armed her with the following techniques to tactfully and successfully correct the situation.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\">1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Acknowledge the conflict. Calmly tell the person with whom you\u2019re in conflict that you\u2019d like to set up a meeting to discuss the incident.\u00a0 State that you realized you both have a different view or opinion, and you\u2019d like to reach some common ground.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\">2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Focus on the issue, not the personality.\u00a0 My client had to accept that her employee might indeed become angry or flippant, but was ready to bring the conversation back to the issue at hand.\u00a0 She was ready to say, \u201cI understand you\u2019re upset, but we need to discuss the process,\u201d instead of; \u201cyou\u2019re over reacting, calm down and let\u2019s talk.\u201d\u00a0 After your subordinate has expressed her rationales, concerns or frustrations, be sure you understand them.\u00a0 Repeat back her concerns to convey you have heard her.\u00a0 Perhaps you can assuage them, and perhaps not (if company policy or procedure prohibits it), but the act of hearing her out will go a long way toward correcting the issue.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\">3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Set the ground rules.\u00a0 Once you have addressed and answered her concerns, establish the ground rules going forward.\u00a0 Be very clear in the details of the process and your expectations that she will follow them to the letter.\u00a0 The key here is your delivery, which needs to be calm, and matter of fact.<\/p>\n<p>One of the most common boundary issues occur when a woman from a peer group becomes manager of that same group.\u00a0 I counsel clients in this situation to take some serious time, maybe a weekend away, to consider how they will approach their new role.\u00a0 A successful step-up transition includes having a plan to implement the following.\u00a0 Understand that you will need to:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Break the rules of the \u2018flat plane\u2019.\u00a0 You are no longer part of the group.<\/li>\n<li>Lead by collaboration and directives.\u00a0 Get group input if necessary, but in the end, you call the shots.<\/li>\n<li>Change your relationships with former peers.\u00a0 This tends to be the most difficult for women.\u00a0 You need to strive for an atmosphere of friendliness versus friendship.<\/li>\n<li>Know that some will find the new situation \u201cunfair\u201d, and plan a response to it.<\/li>\n<li>Endeavor to take issues less personally, and develop a shield.\u00a0 This will involve some level of detachment from the situation.\u00a0 In other words dealing with the situation at hand, and leaving the emotions behind.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you are currently challenged in the areas of blame, battles or boundaries and need some additional counsel, please give me a call to set up an appointment.\u00a0 I would love to help you become your best self in the workplace.<\/p>\n<p><sup>1<\/sup> <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Women and Self-Esteem<\/span>. Sanford and Donovan, 2004<\/p>\n<p>\u00a9Copyright 2015.\u00a0 Kay Fittes.\u00a0 All Rights Reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What was your relationship like with your mother when you were growing up?\u00a0 I bet a flood of memories just came to you.\u00a0 Whether good, bad, somewhere in between, or perhaps absent, many women forge relationships with other women based on the dominant female relationship in their formative years.\u00a0 The struggle to develop a full<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[3,17],"tags":[9,12,23,19,6],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7Qkhe-2s","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=152"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":478,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152\/revisions\/478"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=152"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=152"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.highheeledsuccess.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=152"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}